My Daddy Died

Most of you know by now - as if anyone even checks this blog anymore - that my Daddy died in early June. His neighbor found him at his home, very much deceased, so we don't know exactly when he passed. That's weird for me because I'd like to be able to say to myself next year, "This is the day your Daddy died" but I can't. All I can do is remember the morning that my dear cousin called to tell me the news. I was standing at the bakery counter of our local grocery store negotiating a cookie purchase for my two year old. And then the phone rang.

Since then, things have been understandably hectic and there are lots of times that I just don't have the interest or energy to do the things I might have done before. Like post pictures to his blog. Or take pictures at all, really. Even though my little ones are just about the cutest damn things that ever were. And they're perfect. They are healthy, happy little boys and I hope they stay that way as long as possible. The saddest part of the whole thing is that they won't ever know my dad the way he wanted them to.

But life goes on and both boys had a birthday this summer: the first for Buzz and Matthew's third. My father had already purchased and wrapped their birthday presents, which says so much about his fear of procrastination. So at the reception following his memorial, I watched them play with the huge stuffed lion he had picked out for Buzz and the bubble mower Matthew has wanted for months. It's so like my father to, even in death, find a way to be compassionate and generous. Matthew still talks about his Pappy, mostly to tell me that "Pappy always let me have a sip of his coffee" when he sees me with mine. And sometimes he mentions that one of his toys is "dead, like Pappy" when truly it's simply misplaced.

And I guess he's kinda right. 'Cause I believe that his Pappy is still here, watching him grow and looking out for his family, he's just not in the places we're used to looking. And now he's forced to be so damn subtle that it's almost hard to believe it's Chris Marston at all. My daddy never really did subtle, and I'm no expert at it either, so that's why I've been avoiding this blog. How can I post photos of our family when there's no way to take a picture of the hole in my family where my daddy should be. And y'all would never come back to check in if every time I started writing about what happened to me that day I just ended up with "I missed my daddy all day long and some other things happened too."

But I love preserving our memories this way, so I'll try to get back into the swing of things. Y'all know that I wasn't very timely even before all this sadness happened, so I know you won't be expecting miracles. I just wanted you all to know that my daddy died and that I miss him very much.