Correction

I feel as though my second to last post caught many of you off guard. I received lots of calls and emails to "check in" which all started out with, "Are you okay?" So, I think I need to expound a bit on the way I'm feeling these days because it certainly isn't as bad as it must have seemed from that post. Of course, anytime one's subject matter is death, it isn't likely to be a jolly romp through story-ville, but I don't think I did my feelings justice last time.

The fact is that I'm doing fine. Most of the time, I'm doing great, even. I once read an article on the importance of finding contentment in sorrow. And I think that's where I am. I mean, I miss my dad terribly when I focus on that, and occasionally I do, but it isn't governing my life. Unlike many of you, my father's presence wasn't part of my daily life, and so my daily life goes on without much interruption from his passing.

But then there are the split seconds, all throughout the day, that I think about him, want to call, see something he gave the boys. And during those small moments, my heart aches. And there are some things that I just don't have the energy for - or maybe I just don't see the point anymore! - like the drive to be the perfect wife and mother, when what I really need to do is relax and focus on spending time with my family.

More than anything, I have felt a calm thoughtfulness following my dad's death. And, for the first time in my life, I just want to be quiet most of the day. I question things more and think about the value of life. I think a lot about how small we all are in the face of time. And I realize that the pieces of my father that I want to hang on to - ostensibly for Matthew and Buzz - are really for me. Because the boys will hear about him and that will be that, but his greatest legacy will be his daughter who loves him, still and always.

So please don't worry about me. I'm doing fine. I'm sad some days, and wildly happy on others, and always I'm energetically thinking about the next project I can throw myself into. And I hope that you are each feeling as supported as I do by the large group of friends and family who call or email to check on me every now and then. I'm especially thankful to the Brown Water Boys who, each in their own way, refuse to let me think that I'm an orphan.