Correction

I feel as though my second to last post caught many of you off guard. I received lots of calls and emails to "check in" which all started out with, "Are you okay?" So, I think I need to expound a bit on the way I'm feeling these days because it certainly isn't as bad as it must have seemed from that post. Of course, anytime one's subject matter is death, it isn't likely to be a jolly romp through story-ville, but I don't think I did my feelings justice last time.

The fact is that I'm doing fine. Most of the time, I'm doing great, even. I once read an article on the importance of finding contentment in sorrow. And I think that's where I am. I mean, I miss my dad terribly when I focus on that, and occasionally I do, but it isn't governing my life. Unlike many of you, my father's presence wasn't part of my daily life, and so my daily life goes on without much interruption from his passing.

But then there are the split seconds, all throughout the day, that I think about him, want to call, see something he gave the boys. And during those small moments, my heart aches. And there are some things that I just don't have the energy for - or maybe I just don't see the point anymore! - like the drive to be the perfect wife and mother, when what I really need to do is relax and focus on spending time with my family.

More than anything, I have felt a calm thoughtfulness following my dad's death. And, for the first time in my life, I just want to be quiet most of the day. I question things more and think about the value of life. I think a lot about how small we all are in the face of time. And I realize that the pieces of my father that I want to hang on to - ostensibly for Matthew and Buzz - are really for me. Because the boys will hear about him and that will be that, but his greatest legacy will be his daughter who loves him, still and always.

So please don't worry about me. I'm doing fine. I'm sad some days, and wildly happy on others, and always I'm energetically thinking about the next project I can throw myself into. And I hope that you are each feeling as supported as I do by the large group of friends and family who call or email to check on me every now and then. I'm especially thankful to the Brown Water Boys who, each in their own way, refuse to let me think that I'm an orphan.

One More Thing

I had already uploaded these pictures to Blogger, but I never got around to posting them. The title of the post was, Visiting Pappy and the first words of the post were, "While in Alabama, we spent a lot of time with Pappy." While I'm sorry that I didn't get a chance to share the images with my dad, I treasure them now as the last pictures I have of him, memories of the last afternoon we spent together.

I did send my dad a mug with this picture on it for his birthday in May, about which he commented, "Hey Sarah, you got my good side!"

My Daddy Died

Most of you know by now - as if anyone even checks this blog anymore - that my Daddy died in early June. His neighbor found him at his home, very much deceased, so we don't know exactly when he passed. That's weird for me because I'd like to be able to say to myself next year, "This is the day your Daddy died" but I can't. All I can do is remember the morning that my dear cousin called to tell me the news. I was standing at the bakery counter of our local grocery store negotiating a cookie purchase for my two year old. And then the phone rang.

Since then, things have been understandably hectic and there are lots of times that I just don't have the interest or energy to do the things I might have done before. Like post pictures to his blog. Or take pictures at all, really. Even though my little ones are just about the cutest damn things that ever were. And they're perfect. They are healthy, happy little boys and I hope they stay that way as long as possible. The saddest part of the whole thing is that they won't ever know my dad the way he wanted them to.

But life goes on and both boys had a birthday this summer: the first for Buzz and Matthew's third. My father had already purchased and wrapped their birthday presents, which says so much about his fear of procrastination. So at the reception following his memorial, I watched them play with the huge stuffed lion he had picked out for Buzz and the bubble mower Matthew has wanted for months. It's so like my father to, even in death, find a way to be compassionate and generous. Matthew still talks about his Pappy, mostly to tell me that "Pappy always let me have a sip of his coffee" when he sees me with mine. And sometimes he mentions that one of his toys is "dead, like Pappy" when truly it's simply misplaced.

And I guess he's kinda right. 'Cause I believe that his Pappy is still here, watching him grow and looking out for his family, he's just not in the places we're used to looking. And now he's forced to be so damn subtle that it's almost hard to believe it's Chris Marston at all. My daddy never really did subtle, and I'm no expert at it either, so that's why I've been avoiding this blog. How can I post photos of our family when there's no way to take a picture of the hole in my family where my daddy should be. And y'all would never come back to check in if every time I started writing about what happened to me that day I just ended up with "I missed my daddy all day long and some other things happened too."

But I love preserving our memories this way, so I'll try to get back into the swing of things. Y'all know that I wasn't very timely even before all this sadness happened, so I know you won't be expecting miracles. I just wanted you all to know that my daddy died and that I miss him very much.